


Broken Promise

by Beccaman



Category: No Fandom
Genre: F/M, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-21 00:41:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10674123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beccaman/pseuds/Beccaman
Summary: I’m so sorry. For everything. But I can never apologize in person. Even if you did forgive me, I don’t forgive myself.





	Broken Promise

I think about the last time we touched sometimes, even though I can’t truly remember it. I do still remember the late nights of sitting on the counter while you grinded against me. I still remember the way you made me feel the way no one had ever made me feel before. I still remember not really knowing what was happening, but that I wanted it. I still remember pressing up against you, while you hesitantly pressed back, but once we got into it, I think you physically had to restrain yourself. I can’t be certain though. I never knew how you felt.

I think about the first time you kissed me. My first kiss. I asked you too. You complied. Years later, I feel guilty about it. You didn’t want to kiss me, and I made you. I forced myself on you sometimes, and I regret it. I wish I could apologize, but I feel like it’s too late for that. I feel it’s better we both forget.

The very last time I remember being intimate with you was over the summer, I believe. It was a normal late night for us, my brother already in bed, and my parents as well. I sat beside you on the floor, while you sat on the chair. We talked about the show we were watching, and how we were doing. I don’t know how it happened, but the night ended with me touching you over your jeans. Not only is that the last time I touched you like that, but it was also the farthest we ever went. I left when you told me to stop, and blushing, I retreated to my room. 

I don’t think we were ever that intimate again. Not that I remember.

You only kissed me a handful of times. Never tried to make out with me, never tried to put your tongue in my mouth, none of that. Sometimes it was rough kissing, but always closed lips. Sometimes we went too far for my young body, and I pushed you back and away and ran, or told you to slow down. Sometimes I went too far for you, and you stopped us in the middle of whatever we were doing and escaped to the bathroom, while I sat in dazed pleasure and guilt.

I spent about three years like this. Three years, thinking I was in love, or maybe I was. I don’t know. I only know that what I feel with my current boyfriend, is so much more than what I felt with you. With you, it was longing and desire. When I was alone, after you left, it was long nights of crying, begging and pleading to the God I didn’t believe in. 

Now? Now I still have bad nights and sad days. Tonight is one of them. I think of you, and all the good times we had. We were friends first. I remember the good times, the times I felt happy even if I wasn’t really, and I remember all the laughing we did together. It wasn’t all bad, but when it’s nights like this, all I can remember is the bad things. The things I did wrong. The things we did wrong. But I could never blame you.

Now though, I have good days along with my sad ones, and happy nights along with the bad ones. My boyfriend keeps me happy, he fills me with love and confidence along with desire and pleasure. He keeps me company, and I never feel alone anymore, like I sometimes did with you. He kisses me and holds me, he stops when I tell him to. He doesn’t lie, and he loves me. Like I love him. I stop when he tells me to. I hold him when he wants or needs it. I love him. And I don’t know if I loved you, yet I made a promise to you I did.

I’m so sorry. For everything. But I can never apologize in person. Even if you did forgive me, I don’t forgive myself. 

I broke my promise.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, this is just for my own sanity. I didn't have to post it, but I feel like I haven't written anything for here in awhile and my brain won't stop. There was a boy I used to be in love with. He was older. He left. I broke a promise. I love someone else now, who loves me also.


End file.
